Today is my 42nd birthday. It brought me back to where I was last year on my 41st birthday. I had gone to California to be by myself and to try to have closure on the events that happened with Ava during the summer of 2013, her near death experience and the pain she suffered.  I told myself that I was going to wake up on my 41st birthday and everything was going to be better.

All of my fears of almost losing Ava..gone.

All of my nightmares of her screams…gone.

All of my anger at the doctors that could have saved her earlier…gone.

It was all going to be gone. Well, they were NOT gone. They were still there. Nothing had changed. It was a horrible birthday. I cried all day. I was desperate for my anxiety to go away. I was desperate to have Ava’s innocence back and my anger gone.

This was when I figured out that putting my fears, my nightmares and my anger to better use would help me work through all of this. This is when I realized that it was time to make a change in the world for other mothers and for other rare and undiagnosed children.

Little did I know that a year later…I would be where I am right now.

I spent the morning listening to the motivational speaker Jim Stovall. He wrote The Ultimate Gift. His message was extremely powerful. I told Justin that this was one of the best birthday gifts I could have ever had. I took his message to heart. Change your life by changing your mind was his message this morning. I realized that I eventually did change my mind over the past year.  It allowed me to start RUN with Dr. Reid Robison. It allowed me to attend TEDMED. It allowed me to network with other advocates in the rare and undiagnosed world.  And, it is allowing me to help with organizing Utah Rare.

I changed my mind from ANGER to ACTION.

I feel motivated and I feel energized. I am celebrating today instead of crying. It is a good day. It is a way better birthday than last year.