Katie’s update: STRESSED

Stress. Have you ever been under so much stress it’s all you think about? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep multiple times a week, because your under so much stress? Have you ever been under so much stress you start feeling depressed? The amount of stress I’m under is unreal. I always find myself thinking about the worst case scenarios. Do I have cancer?  Will I have cancer? How many friends will I lose if I have cancer? How many friends will I lose if I don’t ever get better?  Will I ever get better?  Does it ever get better? Is this going to be my life for the rest of my life? Am I strong enough?  Will I even graduate high school? Will I ever be able to become a nurse? Will I ever be able to go back to work?  Will people judge me if I break down ? How much more can I handle? Am I ever not going to be in pain? That’s not even half of the questions I ask myself everyday. When I’m alone is the worst part, it’s like I’m all by myself and no one is helping me get my mind off of things. I try to stay busy, doing homework, cleaning up what I can, watching supernatural but I always end up thinking about everything. It’s weird,  I know I have quite a few people who I can talk to. But it’s like I can’t, I feel like I’ve been complaining to much lately and they will get sick of me. I know it’s not true, I know I can talk to them cause they are always here for me. But I just don’t want to bring attention to me,  I want to help others who are going through something similar. I feel like when I complain, I’m weak. I want to be strong, I want everyone to see me strong, not weak. I want this to all be over. I want to be able to do my homework and not be on the verge of tears. I want to be able to go to work. I want to be able to sleep for hours and hours like before. I want to be able to go hang out with my friends and not be forcing a smile on my face. I want to be able to do my hair with out being in so my pain. I just want to live a normal, pain free life.
I recently met with my doctor, because me and my family were getting worried my arm still isn’t better. He took another X-ray of my arm and was quite worried about the results. And sent me to Dr. Jones (he’s the doctor who did my surgery and is like an expert on tumors). We couldn’t get in to see him for a few days after. Those few days felt like forever, I can’t even explain how much stress I was under. I was in such a bad mood, and I was freaking out to everyone. The day of meeting with Dr Jones I couldn’t sleep. My freaking mind would not shut up. I was convinced I had cancer. I was convinced that my life was never going to get better. And to be completely honest,  I still am. It’s hard to explain but call it a gut feeling. Dr Jones said he wasn’t extremely worried about my arm. He said he was going to compare the X-ray I just had,  with the one I had in October. He said that as long as there wasn’t a change it should be fine. He said he would get back to us in a few days. It’s been a week and he still hasn’t gotten back to me. So not only am I EXTREMELY stressed about that,  but I’m also very stressed about school,  and the tumor on my hip. Every day it gets harder,  every day I feel weaker and weaker. Every day I get sad and more sad. Every day I wish I could lay in bed all day and never even move.  Every day I lose more and more hope. Every day I want this to all be over even more.

 

 

 

Megan’s Update:

The last two weeks have been an emotional roller-coaster.

Katie went to her specialist to ask his opinion on why she wasn’t recovering and why she was in so much pain from her last surgery that took place 3 months ago.  He ended up doing an x-ray on her arm and was very concerned with his findings.  He said that the cyst in her humerus was spreading and seems to be eating her bone.  Recommended that she stop physical therapy because her bone was so fragile that it could actually damage it.  He said that this was out of his league and wanted to refer her to the tumor specialist at Primary Children’s. This is the same doctor that did her last surgery.  We ended up scheduling an appointment with him over a week later.  During this week I was a wreck.  I was stressed to the max.  Can’t even imagine the stress level Katie was dealing with.

I drove Katie up to Park City to stay with Gina. She wanted to get her mind off all of this, get out of the house, and have some alone time.  She helped Gina around the house, with the kids and got to enjoy a different kind of life style.  Such a great opportunity for Katie, I couldn’t thank Gina and Justin enough.

During this week I Googled everything.  I was seeing all the worst case scenarios. Everything was leading toward the cyst being cancer and her tumors turning malignant.

After speaking with the tumor specialist at PMC, he eased our stress a little bit.  He said that he isn’t too concerned about the cyst because it was pretty big when he did the x-ray in October. We told him the other doctor seemed really worried but he reminded us that he hadn’t seen her arm since the break so it made sense. He said that he would compare the October x-ray to the one taken at Shriners last week and as long as it has not grown, it will eventually heal on its own.  That was 6 days ago, still haven’t heard anything.

We asked him why Katie’s tumors were continuing to grow if her growth plates closed two years ago. He explained to us that it doesn’t necessarily mean they are still growing, just maybe starting to cause pain. He said the only way he could tell if they were still growing is to compare them to previous x-rays.  We don’t have identical x-rays. He is going to look at her hip x-ray from Shriners 2 years ago and see if that one has grown. He said if it has and if they do continue to grow she will have to go in for yearly x-rays or MRI’s to check and see if the tumors have caps on them. That is what will determine if they are malignant. He said that these would hurt really bad because it would be pushing against the tissue so I am really concerned that is what is happening with her hip. All we can do is wait and see what the future holds. I still am nervous. I still am scared.

I hope her pain goes away so she can experience life and live life to the fullest. I just want her to be able to work and finish school and do things she wants to experience in life.