Cashlynn Calvert Perry: There is something I have had on my mind for quite a while, and I have been trying to figure it out.. trying to understand. Since usually the way for me to make sense of things is by writing, I figure I’ll go ahead and give it a shot.

There is a certain phrase we’re all told anytime we are going through struggles, when we are hurting, when we are feeling weak, and when we are just flat out overwhelmed, exhausted, and lost. The phrase I’m referring to is “God will not give you more than you can handle.” There are several variations. “He will let you bend, but he will never let you break.” So on, and so forth. I’ve heard them, more times than I can count. I’m sure you have all heard them at one point or another as well. These words are often spoken from friends or family, a loved one encouraging you to not give up, etc.

Although these thoughts and concerns are ALWAYS spoken out of genuine love, and concern.. I’m going to be completely honest with you. I don’t think those phrases are true. If you have ever been told that, and thought to yourself.. “What is wrong with me then?? Because this IS more than I can handle, this IS breaking me. What is wrong with ME?” Then I can tell you.. you are not alone.

I probably sound like a crazy person, and this is in no way, shape or form a post shaming God, or claiming that he is not there for you. So please let me explain.. I’m going to back up to the beginning of our journey with Stockton. This may be a long post, I’ll try to summarize.

When I was 20 weeks pregnant with Stockton, we found out he had clubbed foot. That was the ONLY thing we knew during the pregnancy. When we got this news, we were scared.. as any parents getting news that something is wrong with their child would be. But we remained POSITIVE. I did my research, we toured Shriners Hospital while I was still pregnant.. they joked he was their YOUNGEST patient ever. (I was about 28 weeks) I wanted to know exactly what needed to be done and what are options were so we could make the best decisions.

A few weeks after that, I had a placental abruption (my placenta was shredding) and I had to spend the remainder of my pregnancy in the hospital because Stockton and I were both at risk if I were to bleed out. They planned to induce me at 37 weeks, Stockton came on his own a day before and from that day.. things escalated.

From the moment Stockton was born it was one thing after another. He was in and out of the hospital. He vomited stomach acid 200+ times a day for 2 months.. No known structural cause or reason.. he was a mystery. Then they decided it was time for surgery to put an end to the vomiting and place a feeding tube. A month later he developed seizures. No known cause or reason.. a mystery. He couldn’t gain weight despite the fact that he was being fed via feeding tube 24/7. No known cause or reason.. a mystery. In October 2014, out of the blue.. all of a sudden his lungs stopped working like they should.. no known cause, no known reason. A mystery. They tried surgery to widen his airway, it didn’t work. They looked around at EVERYTHING with a scope.. no structural problems.. again.. a MYSTERY. Finally, after a care conference with all of our doctors, it was decided he needed to have a Trach placed. It was frustrating.. because there was no physical evidence that he needed it, just for some reason his lungs had forgotten how to function. He needed a stable airway.

During the course of all of this, he was also getting weekly castings on his legs, from toes to hips. He was in hand splints, and when we were not in the hospital.. we were there for doctor appointments. We were finding one problem after another, they were coming from all directions, they were NOT stopping.

The reason I am giving you all of this back history, and walking you down memory lane is because throughout ALL of this, from finding something on the ultrasound, to having a very scary and complicated end of my pregnancy, throughout all of the hospitalizations, surgeries, and trials.. We remained STRONG. Jake remained strong, I remained strong, and I didn’t shed a single tear. I didn’t cry because I didn’t have time to be sad, I had a little boy who was kicking butt, fighting for his life, needing answers, and he needed his mama to step up and stay strong for him. So I did. I didn’t have any poor us, pity parties. I didn’t complain, I didn’t vent. I was busy.. busy being a mama bear.

Then on November 7th, 2014, Stockton got his Trach tube placed. A few hours after surgery, in the recovery room in the PICU, my husband and I stood frozen pushed up to the back of the wall, in a room filled with doctors working on our son.. and we stared in horror as we watched the monitor, and watch our sons heart stop for the first time. Thanks to an amazing team of doctors, prayers, and a gracious God, 4 1/2 minutes later his heart began beating again. Our families came to the hospital, they kept us company, comforted us. Jake and I were still in shock, and as much as we wanted to be there for each other.. we just couldn’t. We would pretend to be strong in front of the other, because that’s what we thought we needed. He needed to be strong for me and I needed to be strong for him. On November 9th, 2014.. the first time I was alone since it happened is the first time I broke. His whole journey had been hard, frustrating and confusing, but this was the first time we were shown that his problems are life and death. We didn’t know that before.. we were still learning. This was our cruel awakening. The other things were trials I could handle. Life and DEATH? That I couldn’t. So that day.. when I was completely alone, I locked myself into the parent shower/bathroom on the 2nd floor of PCMC, in the PICU waiting room and I broke. I turned on the shower, sat on the floor of it completely dressed and screamed, and bawled, and puked, and then started all over again, and over again. That was the FIRST time I broke.

Fast forward to March 4th, 2015. A day after Stocktons Chiari Decompression (brain surgery) After Jake and I both worrying and stressing all night to our nurses and doctors that something was wrong, we finally got them to agree to a CT scan. I fell asleep waiting for results, and in the middle of the night I was shaken awake by a PICU doctor, telling me we are moving to intensive care NOW, because Stockton was in BAD shape and if we didn’t act fast, he would suffer a brain death. We ran to Intensive Care, they started working on him, My husband left work to get to the hospital, and he was taken into Emergency Surgery. He made it through. AGAIN. Because he is amazing, and God is awesome. We were not without scars though.. all of us. This was the second time I broke. In that same bathroom. I did the same shower ugly cry, screaming and puking. I CANNOT HANDLE THIS. I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

Fast forward again, to November 9th, 2015. My husband and I were taking 4 day/night shifts (to go with his work schedule), watching Stockton at all times. We didn’t have nurses.. we didn’t qualify so this was the best we could do. This was the night my biggest fear came true. I was exhausted, and I accidentaly fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night panicking and I knew something was wrong. I woke up to find Stockton blue, with no pulse. I did CPR and breaths, it took me 4-5 minutes to get him breathing again, heart beating. He was flown to Primarys. He made it through, thankfully. I was overwhelmed with guilt, found my way to that same bathroom. Ugly cried, screamed, and puked. This was the THIRD time I broke.

Fast forward to December 23rd, 2015. My family Christmas party. Stockton seized and seized until he went into full Cardiac Arrest. My family surrounded us and did EVERYTHING we asked of them, trying to help. Luckily for Stockton I had my Aunt who is a nurse there, and my cousins husband who is pre-med. In the middle of CPR they had to take over for me, because right then and there, in front of my dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I completely broke. They saved his life that night, and I am so grateful for them. Later at the hospital, after ambulances and life flight.. when Stockton was stable.. I made my way to that same bathroom, and had my breakdown. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

The reason I tell you all of these stories, all of these terrible memories, is because every single experience was MORE than I could handle. They DID in fact BREAK me. They destroyed me. Here I am now, 2 events were over a year ago, and 2 just this last winter. I wake up a couple of times a week from the nightmares. They haunt me, and likely will continue to do so. PTSD is a real thing, and I battle it far too often.

When you drop a glass plate, it shatters. You can glue it back together, you can still use it if you’d like.. but it is NOT the same. It never will be again. I am not the same, I will NEVER be the same. I can never take these experiences back. They are apart of me. They destroyed me. They broke me. They also taught me, they shaped me, and they made my faith grow stronger than ever. I will never take a single day with anyone for granted, a single second, moment, memory.. they are everything. The person I was and the person I am now do not even resemble eachother.

So yes, If you ask me.. God WILL give you more than you can handle, he may even give you something that will BREAK you. And then he may do it again. He can and will do it as many times as he needs to do. This life, our lives, they are in his hands. He will do whatever he has to do, to help us become the people we are supposed to be. He has a plan. He will ABSOLUTELY bring you to your knees, because from there.. you are in a PERFECT position to ASK for help, strength, COURAGE.

So the next time you are told God will not give you more than you can handle, don’t let it make you feel weak. Whoever is saying it to you is doing so out of SO much love! Don’t feel weak and wonder why it IS breaking you if it shouldn’t be. It’s okay to break. Just make sure to pick up the pieces, put yourself together, learn and grow from the experience. Most of all NEVER give up, and ALWAYS remember this:

“God will very likely give you more than you can handle. He will not, however, give you more than HE can handle.”

Fight the fight, keep your faith, and don’t give up. YOU ARE AMAZING.

These pictures are the reminders of the worst days of my entire life. Windows into my weakest moments. They hurt my heart, but they also remind me that we have made it through despite being broken. Stockton has taught me to not let any of the hardships hold me back. What a kid.

‪#‎teamstocktonperry‬ ‪#‎stocktonstrong‬ ‪#‎nevergiveup‬

Team Stockton Perry Facebook Page