Today I am flying on an airplane with Justin for a corporate trip. It is an opportunity of a lifetime! And, I feel truly blessed to be included. However, I had to bring oxygen on the plane. I had to order oxygen at the destination. What?! When did this become my life? I need to have oxygen with me?

My family and friends encouraged me to go. Even my doctors encouraged me to go. One specialist said, “You need to go. You need to take a break from the worry. You cannot change anything right now. We do not know what is wrong with you. So, go. Enjoy. Take a break from the worry.”

Another specialist said, “You need to go. You need to eat what you want. You will be on a liquid diet for two to three weeks when you get back to help calm down your EoE and to see if food is the cause of it. So, go and enjoy yourself. Plus, it is great research to see if you feel better at sea-level and with better air. Go, you need to go.”

Everyone knows that I need a break from doctor appointments. I agree. I need a break from this diagnostic journey we are all on.

But…the fear of leaving my children back home…what if they are in pain? Will my mother-in-law be able to calm them? Will Ava’s head start hurting? Her shoulder? Her ribcage? Will Oskar’s tummy hurt? Leg hurt? Will Lucy’s leg hurt? Her tummy? Her hands? Her elbows?

I live in a state of fear. I know it. I admit it. This is what happens to a mother with three undiagnosed children. This is what happens when a mother is undiagnosed. The fear is real. The fear controls everything. The fear of the unknown.